A leaf blower, but for people.

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Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”


ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.


North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.


I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.


Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.


My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…


I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.


“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“I’ll do it.”


Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?