A leaf blower, but for people.
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A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.