A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
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[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
When I can’t barge, I careen.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
going to the ER y’all need anything
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?