A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
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interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*