A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
You Might Also Like
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
The “baby” on the left….
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Help Wanted
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.