@QuickandSisi

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

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@Shariv67

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

@Cpin42

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

@MarfSalvador

[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?

@mommeh_dearest

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

@Jesssicle

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

@2questionable

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

@Maxine12333

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

@abbycohenwl

You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car

@Smooheed

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

@PanicRestroom

Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.