A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

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No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.


“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.


[Surprise party for girlfriend]

Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*

GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?


Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever


The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.


Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.


Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.


You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car


Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower


Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.