Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-

-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses

They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.