•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
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When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!