A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
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Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.