A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
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Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!