A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Fiction has to make sense.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears