A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
You Might Also Like
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!