Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM