A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
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Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Yup.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.