A little too much information.
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
ACED my prostate exam!
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
“our sushi is very fresh”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.