@chuuew

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

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@AlixEHarrow

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

@Stap_Jr

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

@SkinnerSteven

A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank

@VeryLonelyLuke

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

@AngelaHelga

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

@omgshuddup

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

@qikipedia

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

@RealSudoNim

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

@tarashoe

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious