A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
You Might Also Like
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
rich people when they have to pay taxes
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Only Americans understand
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.