A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
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And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.