A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
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Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
bout dat hot dog summer
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.