A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
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My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Flock of bats
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity