A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

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ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work


Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.


[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.


DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*


I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.


The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.


Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.


Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.