@realfunghi

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

You Might Also Like

@chuuew

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

@PnkRckrSheena

Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.

@markydoodoo

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

@SirEviscerate

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

@graceupongracie

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@Mike_Bianchi

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

@GreenishDuck

Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.