Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

*hides recorder in box*

*puts box in safe*

*locks safe*

*digs 50-foot hole*

*throws safe in*

*covers hole*

[5 minutes later]

9yo: *playing recorder*

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

[1st date]

HER: So do you have any hobbies?

SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor

HER: What?!

HIM: Just ventriloquism

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT