@chuuew ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
@realfunghi A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
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@chuuew 
@PnkRckrSheena Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
@markydoodoo [first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
@SirEviscerate DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
@graceupongracie I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
@simoncholland The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
@Mike_Bianchi Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
@GreenishDuck Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
@alieumby A wise man once said nothing.
@KevinBuffalo Perfect.
