A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
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nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.