@realfunghi

A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

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@midnightwhale

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

@RachelMComedy

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

@Brianhopecomedy

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

@Aspersioncast

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

@internetluke

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

@larryandpaul

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

@murrman5

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

@OnlyFastEddie

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

@longwall26

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

@ch000ch

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand