A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.

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who is it?
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”


Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”


Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.


I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.


That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*


⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.



ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”


The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.


A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.


“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand