A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
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I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop