A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
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Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Meeeee too!
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Just a phase…
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week