A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
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Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Here’s a meme
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”