a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
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Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
#dnd #ttrpg
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron