A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

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Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full


[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”


To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.


When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.


I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.


A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes


I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.


I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.