A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
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The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.