A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
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I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team