a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
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DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god