A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.