@bewgtweets Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
@holypurgatory A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
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@bewgtweets 
@WoodyLuvsCoffee STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
@ceejoyner ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
@Book_Krazy [interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
@ksujulie Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
@bobvulfov dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
@21stcenturysahm I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
@BoomBoomBetty If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
@AbbyHasIssues Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
@sofarrsogud The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.