A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
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I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.