A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
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[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka