A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
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I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door