@QwertyJones3

A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

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@Manda_like_wine

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

@internetluke

[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up

@envydatropic

I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off

@AmberTozer

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

@portmanteauface

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

@StevieKnip

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

@StinkyGr33n

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

@bautanist

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

@TheAlexNevil

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long