A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 馃憣
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Potatoes were such a good idea
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don鈥檛 know if I can buy one without giggling.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don鈥檛 get it either.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
馃檧馃檧馃檧馃樄
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Interviewer: we鈥檙e looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.