A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
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Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.