A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
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[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’