A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
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Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”