A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
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When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me: