a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
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Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
eating my hot dog hamburger style
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.