Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
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Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.