@KevinFarzad

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

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@Amusitr0n

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

@CyrusMMcQueen

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

@TheRolo

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

@BoutCrazed

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

@MrC2daG

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

@LoveNLunchmeat

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

@1followernodad

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

@smiles_and_nods

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

@athleisure_monk

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”