A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.