A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
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M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.