I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
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I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[Google search history]
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops