A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
This is my favorite one of these!
Cat is stressing him out.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”