@AsaAkira

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

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@PaperWash

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

@WheelTod

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

@Reverend_Scott

[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks

@sofarrsogud

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

@emmatheist

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

@Gre_Gone

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

@Ygrene

[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

@Kim_pulsive

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

@C00LpenNAME

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops