a lot to unpack here
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed