A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
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Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography