A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
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🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’