A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
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doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Bike is short for Bichael.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.