@froghammer

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

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@UncleDuke1969

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

@sofarrsogud

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

@SuperRandomish

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

@dave_cactus

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

@ericsshadow

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

@VeryLonelyLuke

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

@marinhubka

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

@The_Sculptress

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

@RobDenBleyker

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

@OtherDanOBrien

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now