A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
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It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’