A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
some things should go without saying
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!