@batkaren

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

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@shanethevein

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

@DeanB15

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

@fro_vo

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

@hansabumsadaisy

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

@TwinSurvivalist

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

@kelkulus

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

@im_all_id

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

@TechnicallyRon

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’