If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
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Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open