A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
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Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.