A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
an octopus is just a wet spider
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
who did the taste test?
Tastes like chicken.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?