A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

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A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.


A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣


when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out


Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*


Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.


Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.


[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers


My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.


Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately