A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
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every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
My typo game is string.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.