A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
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My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Um … Hot Wings please
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.